Strange Attraction
by pen-in-mouth
Summary: A bizarre CRACK fic written for love of Team Gai. When Neji spontaneously realizes his feelings a flustered Tenten has to deal with his advances. Will she get help from all the wrong places? NEW CHAPTER: Antlered Naruto and Sasuke captured? NejiTen.
1. Poison and Nature

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. (Thank god, I don't know what I'd do with Lee.)_

Here's an insane NejiTen fic I wrote to relieve stress, you've been warned.

oo

For some reason when Hyuuga Neji stood in the clearing with the rest of his team he seemed…off.

His spandex clad sensei stood to his left orating louder than necessary- given everyone was standing directly next to him- about burning passion while a similar, be it younger, individual made occasional contributions about a certain season.

Tenten was absently running her fingers over a particularly shiny kunai which disastrously kept glinting in the sun. This phenomenon kept distracting Gai-sensei and making him forget his place in his monologue about adolescents and blossoms. He combated this issue by repeatedly restarting from the beginning.

The two sane (knock on wood) members of the team were not really listening and so didn't notice when their teacher kept repeating the same material.

Either that or they were used to it because Gai-sensei _always_ repeated the same material.

Neji couldn't shake the feeling that something was not wholly right despite the fact everything was progressing as usual. It could have been his breakfast,-

(_Hinata held out the steaming teacup to her more intense cousin while glancing shyly to the left. _

_"T-tea, Neji-n-nii-san?" _

_"Hn." _

_He accepted it with a grunt and downed it quickly, mistakenly reading the malicious glint in her eyes as some abstract form of subservience to his awesome power. Hinata pushed her index fingers together and eagerly awaited the first signs that the poison was taking affect. _

_The timid girl threw her head back and laughed maniacally before righting herself and lapsing back into her meek demeanor. _

_Neji studied her. "What was that?" _

_She smiled. "W-what was w-what?" _)

-or perhaps it was someone he met in town,-

(_Neji was stopped momentarily on his way to the training ground when he ran headlong into the Uchiha who regarded him in a way that made him inexplicably uncomfortable. _

_Neji stepped back and shot him a glare. "Hn." _

_"Hyuuga," returned Sasuke evenly. _

_"Uchiha." _

_Sasuke spoke again and Neji finally pinpointed what was creeping him out,- _

_"I'm pretty, you're pretty, let's date," the dark haired ninja said in a silky voice. _

_-Sasuke was looking at him like he was a piece of meat. _

_Neji grabbed wildly to his left, hands enclosing on someone's arm, and maneuvered the person so that they were on the receiving end of the leer just as Sasuke began to lick his lips. _

_Neji then swiftly bolted, resorting to jumping into a stream fully clothed, as he was feeling very dirty and desperately needed to clean himself. _

_Back in town Sasuke blinked to see, not the sufficiently traumatized Neji, but an ecstatic Sakura whom the pale-eyed boy had unwittingly replaced himself with. _

_She returned Sasuke's lustful glance (which had turned into a slight grimace) tenfold before pouncing on him, firmly believing that Sasuke-kun had finally developed feelings for her and stopped having queer moments with Naruto. _

_Unfortunately being full-body tackled by Sakura was enough of a shock to his system to cause Naruto to transform back. _

_Just then the actual (I would say in the flesh but flesh is reminiscent of meat and I'm trying not to objectify him) Sasuke strode up angrily to the scene. Sakura was just realizing she was straddling a dazed Naruto, not her beloved, when the beloved in question spat, "What's this?" _

_Sakura turned slightly, shock evident. "Sasuke-kun, this isn't what-" _

_But he ignored her and addressed Naruto, "I thought what we had was special, dobe!"_)

-or maybe he was simply-

"IN THE SPRINGTIME OF HIS YOUTH!" burst Lee before the writer could properly sedate him.

At any rate strange mechanisms were whirring in Neji resulting most notably in a lack of concentration, or rather a _misplaced_ concentration.

o

Tenten hurled more weapons than she could possibly store on her person at Neji who simply began to draw in the necessary power for his ultimate defense.

But he was noticing other things.

Like the way Tenten's body slanted as she flew sidelong in the air flicking kunai at him. Did other people do this? Neji couldn't remember.

Like the way he was acutely aware of each slender finger as they flitted across his limb while she was bandaging it. Was he supposed to notice it more than the searing pain? Neji didn't know.

(Neji had been caught off guard while preoccupied and one of Tenten's kunai had snagged his right arm.

Please note: When training with a weapon's mistress never focus more on her mystifying aerial movements than how to stop the movements of her _weapons_.)

Like the way she was making it frustratingly hard for him to function today. Did other people affect him this way? Neji knew with definite clarity that if Lee chucked _anything _at him he would be more than ready to summon up the coordination to knock him out with it.

What if Lee chucked Tenten at him?

Well now he was just being ridiculous. Although this train of thought did help him realize that Tenten was the problem.

The girl, who had finished dressing his wound, waved a hand in front of his face. Snapping back into reality he leveled a glare at her for confusing him to the point where he was simulating Lee throwing people during battle.

Thinking the look was for hurting him she frowned slightly and lightly touched his shoulder. "I'm sorry Neji."

Then she thought about it. "Actually, you can't really blame _me_," she reasoned, "It's definitely your fault."

Neji, who was feeling adverse, simply stalked off somewhere where he wouldn't be able to hear the echoes of "LEEEEE!" and "GAI-SENSEIIIII!" reverberating off the trees. He really needed to think.

o

"Stupid wildlife," muttered Neji darkly. He was addressing foliage that had apparently wronged him somehow.

He knew he should just sit somewhere and work it out in his head but no place was presenting itself. No tree stump, log, or rock could be found, just tall trees. Well he'd show those trees; Hyuuga Neji would cut those trees down to size. (He inwardly congratulated himself on his clever pun.)

_Crash! _

Lashing out and felling one particularly infuriating sapling, Neji crossed over to it and sat on it, pleased with himself. It had felt monstrously good to just whack something and he found himself wishing to repeat the experience. (This writer suggest Neji never try drugs, as he seems to have very little self restraint.)

What's this? Merely sitting on a tree provided no back support! He definitely needed to make some changes (that conveniently required more destruction).

_Crash! _

Neji situated a smaller tree in front of the larger one and sat down on the makeshift bench, leaning back satisfied. What a high. He didn't have a problem. He could quit whenever he wanted to.

This is unacceptable! Where was he supposed to rest his feet?

_Crash! _

o

Tenten looked up from where she was repacking the medical supplies, glancing in the direction Neji had gone. She cocked her head to the side, puzzled. Where there less treetops in that direction?

Sighing, she left the remaining bandages on the ground and trudged off, following the sounds of falling trees.

o

In a recently leveled patch of land Tenten found Neji, who seemed to be constructing some ornate throne. Neji looked like he had been in the process of making an addition when he was attacked by an angry family of woodpeckers. Tenten had arrived just as he was about to justu the creatures into next Wednesday.

"Neji WAIT!"

He froze. The woodpeckers flew off coming as close to laughing at Neji's expense as scientifically possible.

"You can't hurt them; woodpeckers are Konoha's official bird. You'd get fined." While she was delivering this little speech (which was a load of bull she had concocted to prevent Neji from embarking on a crusade against all creatures capable of flight) she closed the distance and placed a restraining hand on his arm.

'Wow, I'm kind of touchy-feely today,' thought Tenten.

Rather than focus his anger on her for ruining his plans of revenge Neji just sort of...stood there, seemingly accepting her guidance.

"Everyone knows Konoha's official bird is the city pigeon, Tenten," Neji murmured exasperatedly after a moment.

Tenten raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

'WHAT KIND OF FREAK KNOWS THAT SORT OF THING?' she shouted in the confines of her mind.

Then to cover her tracks she said a little too loudly, "Because you know I could've sworn it was the woodpecker…"

Neji never answered, he just looked at her. Her eyebrow quirk had called attention to her face and he was now fighting the urge to reach out to her.

Once again, self restraint was not in his possession (seriously, he should stay away from drugs, no matter what positive testimonies Lee and Gai-sensei may give).

He reached up to brushed the side of her face and smoothed back some of the light hair framing her forehead before letting his hand drop to her shoulder. He didn't remove it (which was a good thing, because it was the only thing keeping Tenten upright).

The poor girl's brain was in overdrive. Sensors buzzed and urgent messages like 'Hyuuga Neji is touching your cheek' and 'the city pigeon is the official bird of Konoha' passed between neurons in her overtaxed brain. Then it shut down completely and all she felt was the feather-light touch that sent shivers down her spine.

Neji thought about what he had just done.

It would seem that he liked Tenten.

Did he like Tenten? Yes.

Did he like her _like that_? … … …Yes.

Was he sure?

Neji was never unsure.

o

A/N:

(1) A lot of stories portray Neji punching trees, but I don't know that he ever ACTUALLY does that. So, if he doesn't (or even if he does), it wasn't my idea.

(2) I am not Japanese nor do I pretend to be, so if you see any mistakes in spelling or mannerisms that make you want to gouge your eyes out please share.

I enjoyed it, what about you? (Of course, the stress eroded _my _mental capacity hours ago...) Please R&R!

_Next: Tenten panics! Will the advice of other kunoichi help or hinder her? Can Neji stay out of trouble in his unbalance state? _


	2. Cops and Stoners

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything, not even these pants._

Another chapter written in another high-strung haze:

oo

Tenten's eyes jerked open when she made contact with the hard unforgiving ground. She tried to blink away the ache before giving up and slumping down completely. A second ago she had been floating, what had happened?

(Neji, not realizing the important role his arm played, had eventually released her upon receiving no reaction except her head lolling to the side and some light drool. Too busy pondering his own actions he didn't notice her start to toppled over.

He heard the crash, however. Rolling his eyes and grumbling something about how she 'should really try to be more coordinated', he crouched down beside her.)

Oh god, she hoped whatever transpired hadn't been scandalous. The one time Lee brought weed to the training ground and convinced Gai-sensei to smoke it had been disastrous-

(_"Le-Lee," Tenten sputtered, "do you know what that is?"_

_"Yes," replied Lee brightly, holding up a Ziploc bag containing a notorious substance, "the person who sold it to me said it would help release inhibitions. I figured I'd let Gai-sensei try it, he could harness its power to reach a whole new skill level!"_

_"That's -marijuana-!" exclaimed Tenten._

_"Tenten, Tenten, Tenten," said Lee in a manner akin to explaining a concept to a very small child, "this is -medicinal- marijuana."_)

Then there was the time they had gotten drunk as a team, - bonding or something-: there goes 10 hours of her life she wasn't getting back-

(_Tenten woke up in a tree clutching a bunch of bananas, Lee was sprawled in a field wearing a sailor suit, and Neji lay facedown in a creek._

_Rushing over despite the effects of a killer hangover, she dragged him out of the water and started randomly beating his chest. She wasn't really versed in reviving people but a marathon of _Baywatch _convinced her the process was rather simple._

_Luckily he had rolled in the water only seconds before and therefore wasn't yet in danger of drowning. Opening his eyes, he squinted in the sunlight, ignored the pounding in his skull, and looked up at Tenten._

_"Neji!" she exclaimed, wondering momentarily if her skills made her better suited to be a medic._

_"Tenten," he responded, wondering how to best approach the subject, "…where's your shirt?"_)

She patted down her person. What a relief- she was wearing clothes this time. When she finally made an effort to take in her surroundings she noticed Neji for the first time, hovering over her. She immediately lost consciousness again.

o

When she drifted back awake a half an hour later she saw him meditating impassively beside her. Thankfully this time she awoke more refreshed and with full knowledge of the preceding events.

However, knowledge of the events did not extend to her knowing how to react to them. She knew that if she wanted to save the natural environment of Konoha she would have to become more comfortable with the subject before bringing it up with Neji.

But what was to stop him from randomly touching her again? She couldn't afford another fiasco like this. She tried to lie perfectly still. Maybe he wouldn't notice she was awake.

"You look like an idiot."

Neji's distinct voice and unblinking gaze were two things she was unprepared for.

'MEDITATING MY ASS,' she thought savagely.

"I am not a bear," Neji smirked, "you can't play dead."

Tenten struggled for something to say.

"My mistake," she squeaked, "it must be the angle...hmm, or maybe the lighting..."

She was starting to panic; she broke into a cold sweat. Then, in a moment of anxiety at the height of idiocy-

"Oh my gosh- is that a main house member?" Tenten gasped, pointing to the horizon.

"WHERE?" roared Neji, whipping his head around to follow her direction.

"Tenten," he groaned brining his gaze back to where she was lying, "that's just a woodpecker."

Tenten had vanished.

It made sense. He _was _wondering how she could identify a main house member by sight. (He could, 80 percent of people he instantly loathed turned out to be main house members.)

Neji felt his eyebrow twitch in annoyance.

On the Brightside, with Tenten gone he could now pursue the woodpeckers. No longer seeing any birds in the immediate vicinity, he laughed victoriously and activated his Byakugan- only to have his prey appear and go for his blind spot.

o

Tenten ran like Sakura from Lee.

(Really, was she comparing that relationship to her situation with Neji? Neji was so much more attractive and not cursed with unsightly eyebrow density.)

Let's try again.

She ran like Sakura to Sasuke.

(Better, but Tenten didn't really have a specific destination, much less a freakish obsession. She had once seen Sakura and Ino fighting over Sasuke's used tissue. Tenten hadn't had the heart to tell them the tissue actually belonged to Chouji. The artificial cheese smudges should have been a clue, though.)

She ran...right into Gai-sensei.

When little Rock Lees stopped orbiting her head and her vision stopped spinning she blinked and focused on what had blocked her flight.

"AH, NOT-LEE, ARE YOU BURNING WITH THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUR YOUTH?" he boomed.

"Sure, Gai-sensei." said Tenten (everyone had learned it was best to just appease him).

Suddenly something came to her attention.

Very slowly she voiced what she had caught, "Gai-sensei, do you know my name?"

"WHAT A SILLY QUESTION, uh-CHAMP, OFFFFF COURSE I DO!"

As usual, Gai-sensei was a terrible liar-

(_"Gai-sensei," asked Tenten, "are you wearing eyeliner?"_

_"THAT'S RIDICULOUS; CAN I HELP IT IF I WAS BLESSED WITH BEAUTIFULLY EMPHASIZED EYES?"_

_"The eyeliner is purple," stated Neji._)

"It's Tenten," she said dryly.

"YES IT IS," he said, striking a pose. Then, perhaps to draw attention from his obvious neglect, he burst out, "IS SOMETHING WRONG, HAVE YOU BEEN SEIZING THE POWER OF YOUR YOUTH LIKE I TOLD YOU, TINTIN?"

(_A small white dog bearing a tag marked 'Snowy' ran across the clearing, having apparently heard word that his master was in the area._

_"A SQUIRREL!" exclaimed Lee happily._)

"It's TENTEN," she said through gritted teeth.

Gai-sensei placed a comforting arm on her shoulder (which only proceeded to freak her out more) and commanded her attention.

"TENTWELVE-"

"TEN_TEN_!"

"-BE NOT DISCOURAGED! RAIN OFTEN FALLS IN THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH; IT IS NECESSARY FOR GROWTH."

'WOAH. Did Gai-sensei just say something actually almost _relevant_?' she marveled.

For the second time that day Tenten was having trouble staying on her feet.

However she decided passing out twice in one day was quite enough (additionally, Gai-sensei's arms were the last pair she wanted to collapse in) so she regained her senses quickly. Struggling out of his grasp, she muttered some meaningless thanks and darted out of the training area vaguely wondering if she'd be more stable had she had less contact with green jumpsuited individuals.

o

"Tenten, are you afraid of commitment?" asked Sakura sagely.

"Uh…"

She hadn't really thought about who she was going to go to for advice. (Also, running the distance into town had probably deprived her brain of oxygen.) So, against her better judgment she had enlisted the first two eligible people she saw.

The fact she stumbled on Ino and Sakura lying in wait in the bushes with a butterfly net and a large jar labeled "Sasuke-kun" should have been an indication that they weren't ones to help other people with their problems.

"Can you blame her for not wanting to be tied down?" inserted Ino with a shrug.

"I don't think…"

"Well, Ino," Sakura commented, oblivious to Tenten, "you just say that because you're a WHORE!"

"Guys, this isn't really…"

"WELL AT LEAST I GET ACTION!"

"WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT A SLUT!"

"SASUKE-KUN DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND LAST NIGHT!"

A sound like wild banshees being dipped in hot oil and then covered in chocolate sprinkles (how degrading!) was emitted from the enraged pink-haired kunoichi.

"EEEEEE! YOU TAKE IT BACK!"

"MAKE ME, FOREHEAD!"

"MY PLEASURE, PIG!"

"Hey look is that Sasuke shirtless?" dropped Tenten nonchalantly.

"WHERE?" roared both girls, now frozen, their eyes scanning the marketplace for the welcome sight. Sakura had Ino's ponytail in a death grip while the blonde's fist hung seconds away from connecting with the other girl's gut.

"Oh, oops, that's just Kiba engaging in questionable acts with his dog…"

"TENTEN!" Sakura and Ino wailed in disappointment and broke apart, momentarily dismissing their argument.

"Hey, what else could I do? You guys weren't helping."

"Sorry," amended Sakura, "I just had to teach that cheap floozy a lesson."

"I'M RIGHT HERE!" screamed Ino, who was indeed a foot away.

"Oh gosh," whispered Sakura loudly, "I think we offended it."

"SAY THAT TO MY FACE, OLD MAID!"

"Huh?"

"You know, old maid- like you're a prude."

"Oh, ok."

"Would spinster have worked better?"

"Probably…more direct."

Tenten cut in, "I can leave if this is going to continue."

"Just give us a second," Sakura assured before rounding on Ino, "TWO-BIT HUSSY!"

"FRUSTRATED VIRGIN!" Ino returned.

Tenten was distracted from the fight just as the pair began to dip into more archaic vocabulary.

"HARLOT!" Sakura yelled.

Hinata had appeared at her left and Tenten turned to greet the girl.

"I h-hear you h-have a problem, Tenten?"

"Yeah-"

"GOODY-GOODY"

"SCARLET WOMAN!"

"-Neji's been acting weird lately."

"H-how so?"

"NAÏVE SCHOOLGIRL!"

"SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER!"

"He's been sort of hitting on me," Tenten mumbled, suddenly self conscious.

Hinata patter her reassuringly, "Oh, you won't have to worry about him for much longer…"

A bout of evil cackling quickly followed this sinister remark and Tenten began to grow considerably nervous.

Ino's brow creased in determination. "UNDESIRABLE!"

Sakura released a sort of strangle gasp and began to turn a deep shade of purple.

"Hinata, what was that laugh for?" asked Tenten carefully.

"I'm afraid I d-don't k-know what you m-mean," Hinata responded blankly.

Sakura raised her head, revealing the sadness in her emerald eyes. "I'm sorry- I had hoped it wouldn't come to this…"

Hinata dropped her conversation with Tenten and chose this time to intervene.

"Sakura, NO! Think about what you're d-doing!" the soft spoken girl yelled desperately.

"DON'T BE A HERO, BOY!" added a random person in passing who had absolutely no idea what was going on but always wanted to contribute such a line in a time of dramatic climax and realized he might not get another opportunity.

Sakura shook off all these comments, relevant and not, and readied herself.

"It has to be done," she said resignedly. Turning towards Ino she readied herself and, much to the trepidation of Hinata, hollered, "FAT ASS!"

Ino reeled back but dug her heels in the ground and launched herself at Sakura. "NARROW ASS!"

"Oh for heaven's sakes…BOTH YOUR ASSES ARE FINE!" bellowed Tenten.

All traffic in the square stopped.

Someone yelled, "YEAH!", but it was only Kakashi who was quickly ignored.

A small boy softly whispered, "What's an 'ass'?"

His mother looked so scandalized that she whisked the child home to box his ears, wash his mouth out with soap, and hole him up in the house far away from ill-bred devil children with Chinese fashion influences .

An elderly woman choked out, "My heart!" collapsed, and was whisked away. (It was later determined to be only heartburn.)

A police officer blew a completely unnecessary whistle and started writing up a ticket. Tacking it on her back, he shot her a disproving authoritative look and walked away.

She ripped it off and scanned the paper, eyes widening.

"'Disturbing the peace'…and there's a_ fine_?"

"I h-hear Officer Wilson also accepts sexual favors," divulged Hinata who had mysteriously reappeared and sidled up very close to Tenten.

"Wha- _how would you know that_?"

Ino and Sakura clicked their tongues softly.

"Konoha's finest are just trying to maintain a healthy environment for our youth."

"Yeah, serves you right for yelling profanities in public."

"I mean, come on. Show some self restraint."

Tenten, seconds away from exploding or imploding (it was anyone's guess), was thrown off kilter when she spotted something further down the street. She pushed all three of them in an alley and shut them up with one blazing glare. Everyone looked to see the cause of her distress and watched as Neji walk past their hiding place and deeper into the heart of Konoha.

oo

(3) For those of you who don't know Tintin, I'm sad for you. (And if you actually got the Snowy thing, YOU'RE AMAZING).

(4) If anyone can correctly guess what the phrase "SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER" is a reference to he/she/it will be immortalized!

Please R&R, even if it's just to tell me to lay off the amphetamine!

_Next week: Naruto has some suggestions while Sakura and Ino, completely misunderstanding the concept, develop a plan that only serves to further exacerbate the situation._


	3. Tarts and Schemes

oo

Neji had sunk into his usual arrogant gait while Lee was skipping merrily behind him. Neji was doing his best to impress on any observers that he did _not know_ the cheery young man who kept calling on him to wait up. He even went so far as to request that Officer Wilson contain this "confused stranger". Fortunately Neji was not willing to sell his body to get Lee arrested and left police headquarters with a barely contained grimace.

"Speak of the devil," murmured Hinata, although the inflection in her voice portrayed that she legitimately thought Neji was Satan.

Hinata's comment caused everyone to release the breath they had been holding. Tenten tried to subtly place Ino and Sakura between herself and the crazed Hyuuga (both of them, really) but to her dismay the two kunoichi had already jumped into action.

(Although thankfully they weren't jumping Sasuke. They were lucky he would never admit to anyone he was routinely gang raped by two fangirls.)

"NEJI-KUN," Ino called sweetly while Sakura waved frantically.

Tenten's jaw dropped as she scurried to hide behind some debris in the alley. Whatever happened to female solidarity?

He bristled at the use of the honorific before stopping and turning mechanically. Lee accidentally slammed hard into his back so Neji unthinkingly punched him fiercely in the jaw. The female party gasped.

"Watch where you're going, sir," Neji said politely.

Lee swayed, disoriented, and lurched towards Neji. "Hey there sweetie," he cooed, "Wanna go for a ride?"

"Sorry," Neji returned airily, "I'm not supposed to talk to _strangers_."

"NEJI! Don't hit Lee so hard!" Tenten admonished, momentarily forgetting that shouting was not permitted when trying to go unnoticed, "He thinks he's a prostitute!"

Lee continued, leaning into Neji's hard chest. "Want a little taste of _Candy_?" he drawled in a high pitched voice.

"He thinks he's a working girl NAMED CANDY!" wailed Tenten.

'It's hard being this attractive,' thought Neji.

("Gee Ino, I never thought _Rock Lee_ would out-SLUT you," Sakura pretended to marvel.

"Look on the brightside," Ino said with false cheer, "there will always be bigger sluts, but never bigger FOREHEADS!"

Sakura shook violently with contained fury.

Ino continued, "Several companies told me they'd be interested if you're willing to sell that advertising space. I think we could fit a pretty sizeable Ichiraku endorsement on there, don't you think?")

Meanwhile Lee wrapped his arms around Neji and burrowed closer, batting his eyelashes. Neji's tolerance was paper thin, but was still more than Tenten would have applied. She felt a _small _twinge of jealousy.

Another fist struck and Lee collapsed. Neji cocked an eyebrow as Tenten shook out her hand.

"I figured another blow to the head would sort him out, you know? Uncross all the signals," Tenten grunted.

"Find out Candy's r-rates," whispered Hinata as she passed.

o

Three lovely (read: psycho) kunoichi huddled in a dingy side street.

"Forehead, I have a plan," Ino whispered.

"Excellent, pig," Sakura responded.

"Me t-too," added Hinata.

"When did _she _get here?" hissed Ino.

o

"Neji, is your cousin feeling all right?" Tenten asked as a way of starting conversation.

(She needn't worry about Hinata overhearing; the frazzled girl had already drifted away after the other two rejected her scheme to light Neji on fire with slow burning kerosene. Additionally she deemed the subject to merit addressing because by her estimation Hinata was currently about two blades short of a Fuuma Shuriken.)

He thought back to this morning-

_("Hinata," growled Neji, "did you spike my tea?"_

_It had tasted disgusting. He had thought she was just terrible at making it but had wisely resisted bringing up the subject of failure with her._

_Hinata, probably figuring he wouldn't be around long enough to retaliate, nodded gleefully._

_Neji gaped for a moment while she produced a humble jar with an emblem of a massive tuna printed on the label._

_"I o-ordered it f-from France!" she exclaimed merrily._

_"Hinata, that says poisson."_

_"I know, it m-must be an alternate spelling."_

_"No, it's French. That's fish paste."_

_"Hot damn.")_

How did you begin to explain that your younger cousin, whom everyone believed to be as meek as mashed potatoes, had tried to kill him with pâté?

"..."

"How about them Yankees?" Tenten tried.

"..."

Bored, Neji crossed his arms.

"Well, look at the time, I've got to run some errands," Tenten spouted, glancing at an invisible watch on her slim wrist. Having already fallen for the point-and-run technique Neji was determined not to let her escape with some harebrained excuse and a nonexistent schedule.

He opened his mouth but Lee chose this time to bounce back into the world of the living and channeled whatever comment Neji was about to make into significantly more disturbing waters.

"See you, Tenten!" called Lee, flashing a nice guy pose for good measure.

Tenten stumbled slightly and lost momentum. This was a pose unlike any she had ever seen before.

"Lee, what IS that?" she croaked. Maybe if she prayed Kami would grant her second virginity.

Neji's eye was twitching so severely Tenten thought it would pop out of his head and bounce down the street screaming colorful expletives.

"Gai-sensei and I have been perfecting it, you like?"

Neji lifted his arm to strike Lee again.

Lee's stance, which had involved primeape-like armpit scratching and several pelvic thrusts, had made Tenten start shaking convulsively. Additionally strange rays of light were being released from the oddest of places.

"Lee did you put a flashlight in your pants?" she managed to say.

(Amazingly Neji allowed Tenten to pull his fist back down. However, she had to bite her tongue to keep from squeaking when he unclenched his hand to twist it until he held hers.

He absently wondered if the act would turn problematic. He dismissed the issue, he couldn't be held accountable. It wasn't his fault her hand was a fascinating balance between soft and calloused.

She glanced at Neji, hoping her blush wasn't as fiery as it felt. He seemed his usual amount of disinterest, unconcerned with their contact. She had to give Lee some points; so far he hadn't noticed a thing. That _had _to be some kind of record.)

"A performer never reveals his secrets!" Lee said, winking.

"I thought that was a magician," she said.

"Well everyone possesses a little bit of the MAGIC OF YOUTH!"

"You walked right into that one," Neji muttered.

Lee continued, more somber, "Gai-sensei did say it combined too many different medias. Was it too aesthetically overpowering?"

"Oh it was overpowering all right," she grumbled.

Lee looked dejected, he had worked so hard, run so many unnecessary laps around Konoha, he had even bleached all of Gai-sensei's briefs...

Tenten softened a little bit. "I only mean that it's not really -nice guy- pose material. But if you ever joined a traveling circus-"

"Tenten, you can't leave me with him," Neji cut in calmly (with an edge of hysteria only she could notice).

"Tenten, are you hurt?" asked Lee, motioning to their joined hands.

"SEE YA," she hollered, blending into the buildings on the horizon.

Neji glared at her quickly retreating back. Whatever happened to team solidarity?

o

"There's no fucking way," grunted Sasuke.

"Are you sure about that?" crooned Sakura while Ino produced a thin metal briefcase which she opened with a flourish.

Several instruments of torture (and pleasure!) gleamed in the low interrogation lamp. The swinging light flashed across Sasuke's horror stricken face from where he was bound to the chair with several articles of lingerie.

"I hope you washed these," he grumbled.

Sakura move forward languidly and Ino crossed her arms with a smirk on her face. Sasuke gulped. Sakura crouched down next to him and placed one hand on his shoulder, the other reached out behind her.

"Ino?"

The blonde dropped a transceiver (this was a fairly large-scale operation) in her open hand and moved to Sasuke's other side.

"Bring in the _special guest_," radioed Sakura.

No sooner had she given the command then a loud clang was heard. Rock Lee burst through the iron door wearing fishnet stockings, a green spandex mini skirt (you can lead a horse to water...), tall leather boots, a shirt with a plunging neckline, whorishly large earrings, and bright red lipstick with clashing purple eyeliner-

_("YOSH! Gai-sensei, I need to borrow your purple eyeliner!"_

_"I TOLD YOU CRAZY KIDS MY FACIAL ACCENTS ARE ALL NATURAL!"_

_"The jig is up, old man, hand it over.")_

"I hear SOMEBODY has a SWEET TOOTH," Lee roared.

"Sasuke, meet Candy," Ino said deviously.

"FINE! FINE! I'LL COOPERATE, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET HIM OFF MY LEG," Sasuke shrieked. Maybe if he was lucky Neji would actually kill him.

o

Tenten flew down street after street, sights and stores rushing past. She couldn't be distracted, she needed a permanent solution.

Something orange and tacky suddenly crashed into her on her left and she tumbled to the ground. When she opened her eyes she saw the stools of Ichiraku scoping upwards. Naruto bent his head down to her level.

"Yo," he said, furiously waving an arm in front of her face.

"Oh," she said, getting up slowly, "Hey, Naruto- What are you WEARING?"

"Wha- oh!" he said when she frantically motioned to the oversized antlers affixed among his tousled blonde hair. "It was part of a running prank I had going, I was trying to convince Shikamaru I was a part of his family's herd of deer then I was gonna sneak in his house and replace all of his shampoo with conditioner-"

"-Why would you want to do that?" she inquired.

"I guess I'm just a rebel," he sighed.

"No, I mean that's...stupid."

"It figures someone with your hairstyle wouldn't be able to recognize the importance of using the right product. Shampoo is balanced to remove dirt and pollutants that build up while simultaneously leaving nutrients and oils necessary to keep the hair in check. Conditioner is used to further increase the user's ability to treat and manage hair but does nothing to clean it," he said matter-of-factly.

Tenten was quite irked at the insult leveled at her buns, which she thought to be quite endearing, and it wasn't like she didn't get enough hair care lectures from Neji. As a result she said her next comment with some malice, "You realize the boy's a genius. That was never going to work."

"That's were you're wrong! Before my cover got blown I managed to get as far as his bathroom! But he needed to get out of the shower before I finished the deed…"

Tenten was still shocked at learning Naruto snuck into the showers of Konoha's residents _while they were using them_. She tried to push the thought of Shikamaru showering out of her mind because a part of her sternly believed Ino had acquired the ability to read minds, and didn't want to be on the receiving end of a dramatized bitch slap.

"Want to eat some ramen with me?" he said as if he was granting her wildest dreams (This was because it was _his _wildest dream).

She glanced at the hundreds of empty bowls stacked haphazardly on the counter and the harried storeowner who looked on the verge of collapsing. Behind her his daughter made a series of hand gestures as if to dissuade her from taking the offer.

"Aren't you done?"

"Tenten, you're such a card," he laughed, wiping his eyes. He froze when he saw her expression. "Oh- you were serious?"

o

"I said I'd do it, GET AWAY FROM ME!" shouted Sasuke at the two girls hounding him.

"We know, but frankly, we don't think you're up to it," said Ino.

"Right, so we made you these cue cards so you won't have to worry about the dialogue," Sakura explained.

"The underlined words are the actions," Ino added.

"How are you going to give me that kind of direction in public?" he mused.

"That's why we have these!" Sakura produced several grappling hooks and harnesses.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Sasuke, "I thought you two were over your bondage phase!"

"Relax, Sakura will just use them to repel from a nearby building to flash the signs."

Sasuke breathed a laborious sigh of relief. Then suddenly narrowed his eyes.

"HEY- I DON'T NEED CUE CARDS TO PICK UP A GIRL!"

Sakura clicked her tongues softly while preparing a poster board reading: "Don't tell her she's annoying"

o

"I have a brilliant plan!" exclaimed Naruto, seconds after she finished her account of the day's events.

Unfortunately he was halfway through a bowl of ramen when she wrapped up her tale and Tenten got to experience a spray of noodles, broth, and saliva.

Going to Naruto for help in this field was questionable. After all, he still thought the reason Hinata flushed so often was poor circulation. Often in his presence people would mistake Hinata for a tomato and try to add her to their salad. It was really quite tragic. Additionally he had the maturity of a letter opener, but who was Tenten to be picky?

"You don't dislike Neji, right?"

It took her a second to wade through the double negative but she agreed.

"Actually, I think you _like him_, right?" he teased, grinning.

She let out a sigh. She'd probably be better off talking to the letter opener.

"What are we going to do?" she said evasively.

"Well," he said, eyes shining, "we make him look like an idiot! With pranks and stuff!"

Tenten groaned, was there anyone who could provide some actual help? (Again she seriously considered the letter opener, surely such things picked up some wisdom being so close to mail and text and whatnot.)

"No, wait," he insisted, trying to find the right words to verbalize his theory, "Neji is kind of intense. So if you see him as a regular person who gets embarrassed, you won't get freaked out!"

Tenten tilted her head. It was off, but it seemed more sound than Ino and Sakura's logic.

"Let's do it!" she exclaimed, jumping up.

"Uh…," Naruto started.

"What?" Tenten returned.

"I think you have a ticket on your back."

She gripped the note in a white-knuckled fist. "WHAT?...TASTELESS PDA?...PAY TO THE ORDER OF OFFICER WILSON?"

"Hinata told me-"

"I know, I know, he'll let me off if I perform a sex rite or something," she spat angrily.

Naruto looked uncomfortable. "Um...Hinata just said there's a job opening down the street. I just thought you might need some extra cash to pay off the fine…," he mumbled, trying to push the image of the older girl performing a sex rite out of his mind. If only most his mentors hadn't been wicked perverts.

"Oh. Never mind," amended Tenten, embarrassed, "- hey wait, there's a FINE?"

oo

A/N:

(5) **Anyone have requests for appearances?**

_Next: Two plans kick into action, more passes by Neji, and Tenten miraculously avoids hospitalization!_


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